“Find someone who’s tall, get him to put on a suit, turn the fur inside out and run around in crowded places, shout so that the tourists will notice – but they won’t catch him. Of course, then you must mark him and let him be silent, so he won’t blurt out anything unnecessary somewhere."

– On April 10, former governor of Kemerovo Oblast Aman Tuleyev admitted to dalliances with a local legend. Ten years prior to his confession, Tuleyev arranged a rendezvous at Azasskaya Cave in the Shoria Mountains with none other than Bigfoot. While the furry darling shied away, Tuleyev was nevertheless charmed.

“For those not familiar with the lyrics of this song, I recommend it. It’s some horse people and absolute drivel. I simply don’t understand what it is. What is it about?... Somehow everything is very strange, mildly speaking.”

– On March 31, Russia’s Speaker of the Federation Council Valentina Matvienko commented on the lyrics of “Russian Woman,” a song that the Russian-Tajik artist Manizha, who is known for her feminist activism, will soon be performing at Eurovision.

“I want to note that corruption is an important component of our work. It is far from the only offense, but at the same time it is an evil that we are doing alongside the prosecutor's office, the Investigative Committee, and the FSB. The Rosgvardia is also providing support.”

– In November 2020, Vladislav Tolkunov, head of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs for the Bryansk Region, speculated about corruption live on the Bryansk Governorate television channel. Apparently, he had muddled his words, and while attempting to decry corruption he admitted to malfeasance.

“During childhood, when we argued with each other in the yard, we’d say: It takes one to know one!”

– Vladimir Putin comments on Joe Biden’s belief that the President of the Russian Federation is a “killer.”

“Well f*** your mother, they positioned it like a monkey!”

– Crimean Minister of Culture Arina Novoselskaya, forgetting to turn off her microphone while on a video call with other Crimean leaders.

“Real development in a country can only come in a sovereign form. Sovereignty is very costly, and the overwhelming majority of countries in the world cannot afford such a luxury. We belong to this small circle of countries. We have already achieved this.”

– Press Secretary of the Russian Federation Dmitry Peskov tells reporters on March 4 that President Vladimir Putin’s decisions in the international arena have been made in service to the Russian people.

“Our city is famous now, maybe they’ll make some roads.”

– A resident of Pokrov, the village near the penal colony where Navalny has been transferred to serve the two years and eight months of his sentence.

“I hope we will be able to spend a little time together, relax after today's working hours. I would like to invite you to go skiing.”

– Another productive meeting this week with Vladimir Putin and Alexander Lukashenko on February 22nd. The pair discussed their work together on the energy sector of Belarus, Putin particularly noting Lukashenko’s support for the country’s nuclear power plant. He followed up with an invite to ski.

“…there was no direct violation of the law. Yes, individual people went out with flashlights. Fine. Maybe someone was in love. There was someone, maybe, who was protesting something. Someone was there just for company, not understanding the need to light a flashlight. But most importantly, they didn’t break the law. And so everything was calm.”

– Dmitriy Peskov spreading the love to Moscow activists on Valentine’s Day 2021.

“Shocking! You don’t say – a toilet, right in the home! And a double-sized bed. Even Putin sleeps more modestly, and has to go out into the yard of Gelendzhik [to do his business].”

– On February 7th, Twitter user Kön de Labre, Inostrannyj Agent, Jr. (@KStatator) bled concern for Putin’s modest living.

“Everything is ready for it technologically. All decisions have also been made at the legislative level, but (…) it is not easy, and it is really not desired. I still, frankly speaking, do not see any signs of this happening, because, for obvious reasons, it is a double-edged weapon.”

– Brandishing the biggest sword, Deputy Chairman of the Security Council of the Russian Federation Dmitry Medvedev announced to the rest of the world on February 1st that Russia is now ready to disconnect from the global Internet.

“These promotions are illegal. <...> Of course, we must talk about the illegality of the actions, not about detentions. I don't see any violation at all. What is it, are these our first arrests? These are not the first uncoordinated rallies. Usually this ends with someone drawing up a complaint of administrative offense and then they are released. I am sure that now, if there are no provocations or clashes with the police, the same will happen.”

– The refreshing honesty of Valeriy Fadeyev, the Head of the Human Rights Council under the President of Russia, calling it like it is in the midst of massive anti-corruption protests rocking Russia.