April 01, 2016

Crimea Crisis Solved?


Crimea Crisis Solved?

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA – In a surprising move that has shocked international pundits, Secretary of State John Kerry today announced he has arranged the de-annexation of Crimea by Russia. 

“As you know,” Kerry said at a hastily arranged press conference before the crumbling Sevastopol city office building, “Foreign Minister Sergei Ivanov and I were meeting here today to discuss the region’s future and Russia’s reintegration into the international community.”

Crimea was annexed by Russia in March 18, 2014, several days after the Black Sea peninsula was occupied by Russian forces in unmarked uniforms. Russia has been subjected to vigorous economic sanctions by the US and Europe as a result of the action. But, since that was not deemed sufficient, Russia imposed further sanctions on itself, all but barring all foreign imports.

“It was really quite simple,” Kerry said, his notoriously stony visage cracking into an impish grin. “I mentioned to Minister Ivanov that I really liked Crimea, in fact I liked it a lot. And then I sort of let the pause hang there... for a long time.

“As you may know,” Kerry said, his eyes now twinkling, “it is a Russian tradition that, if a guest expresses appreciation for something in your home, you must gift it to them.”

Aides to Kerry who were in the room said Ivanov tried to wait out the pause, but in the end gave a hideous growl and finally said, “You like it, it’s yours. Take it!”

“Ok, I will,” Kerry said.

The Russian navy is to begin an immediate evacuation from this port city, and Kerry took a cell phone call from Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko while still at the press conference podium.

“Petka! You’ll never guess what I’ve got for you,” he grinned into the phone.


At press time, all attempts to confirm the facts in this report proved impossible, given the April 1 holiday.

You Might Also Like

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?
  • March 02, 2014

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?

Russia's occupation of Crimea, part of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, is wrong. It is wrong under international law, it is in violation of several treaties Russia has with Ukraine and the West, and it is even wrong according to Russia's own foreign policy "principles." So why did it happen?
Query
Template: /muraWRM/core/mura/content/feed/feedGateway.cfc:250
Execution Time: 0.844 ms
Record Count: 0
Cached: No
Lazy: No
SQL:
SELECT
tcontent.siteid, tcontent.title, tcontent.menutitle, tcontent.restricted, tcontent.restrictgroups,
tcontent.type, tcontent.subType, tcontent.filename, tcontent.displaystart, tcontent.displaystop,
tcontent.remotesource, tcontent.remoteURL,tcontent.remotesourceURL, tcontent.keypoints,
tcontent.contentID, tcontent.parentID, tcontent.approved, tcontent.isLocked, tcontent.contentHistID,tcontent.target, tcontent.targetParams,
tcontent.releaseDate, tcontent.lastupdate,tcontent.summary,
tfiles.fileSize,tfiles.fileExt,tcontent.fileid,
tcontent.tags,tcontent.credits,tcontent.audience, tcontent.orderNo,
tcontentstats.rating,tcontentstats.totalVotes,tcontentstats.downVotes,tcontentstats.upVotes,
tcontentstats.comments, tparent.type parentType,
tcontent.path, tcontent.created, tcontent.nextn, tcontent.majorVersion, tcontent.minorVersion, tcontentstats.lockID, tcontentstats.lockType, tcontent.expires,
tfiles.filename as AssocFilename,tcontent.displayInterval,tcontent.display,tcontentfilemetadata.altText as fileAltText,tcontent.changesetid
FROM
tcontent
left Join tfiles on (tcontent.fileid=tfiles.fileid)
left Join tcontentstats on (tcontent.contentid=tcontentstats.contentid
and tcontent.siteid=tcontentstats.siteid)
Left Join tcontent tparent on (tcontent.parentid=tparent.contentid
and tcontent.siteid=tparent.siteid
and tparent.active=1)
Left Join tcontentfilemetadata on (tcontent.fileid=tcontentfilemetadata.fileid
and tcontent.contenthistid=tcontentfilemetadata.contenthistid
and tcontent.siteid=tcontentfilemetadata.siteid)
WHERE
tcontent.siteid in ('default')
and tcontent.active = 1
and tcontent.Approved = 1
AND tcontent.isNav = 1
AND tcontent.moduleid = '00000000000000000000000000000000000'
AND tcontent.searchExclude = 0
AND tcontent.contentid <> '00000000000000000000000000000000001'
AND tcontent.type <>'Module'
and (
tcontent.parentid
=
'B15F4800-5056-A853-0ED2C0F6D8CB15CB'
and
tcontent.subtype
=
'footnote'
)
AND (
tcontent.Display = 1
OR
(
tcontent.Display = 2
AND
(
(
tparent.type!='Calendar'
and tcontent.DisplayStart <=
{ts '2026-04-02 06:20:00'}
and (tcontent.DisplayStop >=
{ts '2026-04-02 06:20:00'} or tcontent.DisplayStop is null)
) OR (
tparent.type='Calendar'
and tcontent.DisplayStart <=
{ts '2027-04-02 06:20:00'}
and (tcontent.DisplayStop >=
{ts '2026-04-02 06:20:00'} or tcontent.DisplayStop is null)
)
)
)
)
AND (
tcontent.mobileExclude is null
OR
tcontent.mobileExclude in (0,1)
)
order by
tcontent.lastUpdate desc
siteidtitlemenutitlerestrictedrestrictgroupstypesubTypefilenamedisplaystartdisplaystopremotesourceremoteURLremotesourceURLkeypointscontentIDparentIDapprovedisLockedcontentHistIDtargettargetParamsreleaseDatelastupdatesummaryfileSizefileExtfileidtagscreditsaudienceorderNoratingtotalVotesdownVotesupVotescommentsparentTypepathcreatednextnmajorVersionminorVersionlockIDlockTypeexpiresAssocFilenamedisplayIntervaldisplayfileAltTextchangesetid
Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of our Books

A Taste of Russia
November 01, 2012

A Taste of Russia

The definitive modern cookbook on Russian cuisine has been totally updated and redesigned in a 30th Anniversary Edition. Layering superbly researched recipes with informative essays on the dishes' rich historical and cultural context, A Taste of Russia includes over 200 recipes on everything from borshch to blini, from Salmon Coulibiac to Beef Stew with Rum, from Marinated Mushrooms to Walnut-honey Filled Pies. A Taste of Russia shows off the best that Russian cooking has to offer. Full of great quotes from Russian literature about Russian food and designed in a convenient wide format that stays open during use.

Bears in the Caviar
May 01, 2015

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar is a hilarious and insightful memoir by a diplomat who was “present at the creation” of US-Soviet relations. Charles Thayer headed off to Russia in 1933, calculating that if he could just learn Russian and be on the spot when the US and USSR established relations, he could make himself indispensable and start a career in the foreign service. Remarkably, he pulled it of.

Faith & Humor
December 01, 2011

Faith & Humor

A book that dares to explore the humanity of priests and pilgrims, saints and sinners, Faith & Humor has been both a runaway bestseller in Russia and the focus of heated controversy – as often happens when a thoughtful writer takes on sacred cows. The stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, dialogues and adventures in this volume comprise an encyclopedia of modern Russian Orthodoxy, and thereby of Russian life.

Life Stories
September 01, 2009

Life Stories

The Life Stories collection is a nice introduction to contemporary Russian fiction: many of the 19 authors featured here have won major Russian literary prizes and/or become bestsellers. These are life-affirming stories of love, family, hope, rebirth, mystery and imagination, masterfully translated by some of the best Russian-English translators working today. The selections reassert the power of Russian literature to affect readers of all cultures in profound and lasting ways. Best of all, 100% of the profits from the sale of this book are going to benefit Russian hospice—not-for-profit care for fellow human beings who are nearing the end of their own life stories.

How Russia Got That Way
September 20, 2025

How Russia Got That Way

A fast-paced crash course in Russian history, from Norsemen to Navalny, that explores the ways the Kremlin uses history to achieve its ends.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955