April 01, 2016

Crimea Crisis Solved?


Crimea Crisis Solved?

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA – In a surprising move that has shocked international pundits, Secretary of State John Kerry today announced he has arranged the de-annexation of Crimea by Russia. 

“As you know,” Kerry said at a hastily arranged press conference before the crumbling Sevastopol city office building, “Foreign Minister Sergei Ivanov and I were meeting here today to discuss the region’s future and Russia’s reintegration into the international community.”

Crimea was annexed by Russia in March 18, 2014, several days after the Black Sea peninsula was occupied by Russian forces in unmarked uniforms. Russia has been subjected to vigorous economic sanctions by the US and Europe as a result of the action. But, since that was not deemed sufficient, Russia imposed further sanctions on itself, all but barring all foreign imports.

“It was really quite simple,” Kerry said, his notoriously stony visage cracking into an impish grin. “I mentioned to Minister Ivanov that I really liked Crimea, in fact I liked it a lot. And then I sort of let the pause hang there... for a long time.

“As you may know,” Kerry said, his eyes now twinkling, “it is a Russian tradition that, if a guest expresses appreciation for something in your home, you must gift it to them.”

Aides to Kerry who were in the room said Ivanov tried to wait out the pause, but in the end gave a hideous growl and finally said, “You like it, it’s yours. Take it!”

“Ok, I will,” Kerry said.

The Russian navy is to begin an immediate evacuation from this port city, and Kerry took a cell phone call from Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko while still at the press conference podium.

“Petka! You’ll never guess what I’ve got for you,” he grinned into the phone.


At press time, all attempts to confirm the facts in this report proved impossible, given the April 1 holiday.

You Might Also Like

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?
  • March 02, 2014

Kremlin Words Versus Deeds, A Gaping Chasm?

Russia's occupation of Crimea, part of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, is wrong. It is wrong under international law, it is in violation of several treaties Russia has with Ukraine and the West, and it is even wrong according to Russia's own foreign policy "principles." So why did it happen?
Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Driving Down Russia's Spine

Driving Down Russia's Spine

The story of the epic Spine of Russia trip, intertwining fascinating subject profiles with digressions into historical and cultural themes relevant to understanding modern Russia. 
Turgenev Bilingual

Turgenev Bilingual

A sampling of Ivan Turgenev's masterful short stories, plays, novellas and novels. Bilingual, with English and accented Russian texts running side by side on adjoining pages.
Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar is a hilarious and insightful memoir by a diplomat who was “present at the creation” of US-Soviet relations. Charles Thayer headed off to Russia in 1933, calculating that if he could just learn Russian and be on the spot when the US and USSR established relations, he could make himself indispensable and start a career in the foreign service. Remarkably, he pulled it of.
The Moscow Eccentric

The Moscow Eccentric

Advance reviewers are calling this new translation "a coup" and "a remarkable achievement." This rediscovered gem of a novel by one of Russia's finest writers explores some of the thorniest issues of the early twentieth century.
Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

Life Stories: Original Fiction By Russian Authors

The Life Stories collection is a nice introduction to contemporary Russian fiction: many of the 19 authors featured here have won major Russian literary prizes and/or become bestsellers. These are life-affirming stories of love, family, hope, rebirth, mystery and imagination, masterfully translated by some of the best Russian-English translators working today. The selections reassert the power of Russian literature to affect readers of all cultures in profound and lasting ways. Best of all, 100% of the profits from the sale of this book are going to benefit Russian hospice—not-for-profit care for fellow human beings who are nearing the end of their own life stories.
The Little Humpbacked Horse (bilingual)

The Little Humpbacked Horse (bilingual)

A beloved Russian classic about a resourceful Russian peasant, Vanya, and his miracle-working horse, who together undergo various trials, exploits and adventures at the whim of a laughable tsar, told in rich, narrative poetry.
Jews in Service to the Tsar

Jews in Service to the Tsar

Benjamin Disraeli advised, “Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory.” With Jews in Service to the Tsar, Lev Berdnikov offers us 28 biographies spanning five centuries of Russian Jewish history, and each portrait opens a new window onto the history of Eastern Europe’s Jews, illuminating dark corners and challenging widely-held conceptions about the role of Jews in Russian history.
Murder and the Muse

Murder and the Muse

KGB Chief Andropov has tapped Matyushkin to solve a brazen jewel heist from Picasso’s wife at the posh Metropole Hotel. But when the case bleeds over into murder, machinations, and international intrigue, not everyone is eager to see where the clues might lead.
How Russia Got That Way

How Russia Got That Way

A fast-paced crash course in Russian history, from Norsemen to Navalny, that explores the ways the Kremlin uses history to achieve its ends.
At the Circus (bilingual)

At the Circus (bilingual)

This wonderful novella by Alexander Kuprin tells the story of the wrestler Arbuzov and his battle against a renowned American wrestler. Rich in detail and characterization, At the Circus brims with excitement and life. You can smell the sawdust in the big top, see the vivid and colorful characters, sense the tension build as Arbuzov readies to face off against the American.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955