January 29, 2022

The Fiasco, by Anton Chekhov


The Fiasco, by Anton Chekhov
Anna Tambova, in a still from the Youtube video embedded below.

In honor of Chekhov's birthday, we present his story, "The Fiasco," translated by Bob Blaisdell. A video version, followed by the story in Russian, are also below.

There is a lively, seven-and-a-half-minute video version of the story starring Anna Tambova available on Youtube (youtube.com/watch?v=elK1f4mXSdk) that carries what I think Chekhov would think is an appropriate tone and energy, a full-blast farce with an impressive soundtrack (“La donne e mobile” from Rigoletto). The director switches up the buffoonery so that it’s the father rather than the mother who botches the blessing by grabbing instead of the icon a still-life of a watermelon. There are other changes, but the basic situation, parents hoping to trap a suitor into becoming a fiance, remains.

Ilya Sergeich Peplov and his wife Cleopatra Petrovna were standing by the door and ravenously listening in. Behind the door, in the little parlor, was proceeding, evidently, a declaration of love; their daughter Natashenka and the teacher of the district school were declaring themselves.

“He’s nibbling!” whispered Peplov, trembling with impatience and rubbing his hands. “Look now, Petrovna, as soon as they’re talking about feelings, right then snatch the icon off the wall and we’ll go bless them. … We’ve got it covered. … A blessing with a holy icon is inviolable. … He wouldn’t get away then, even if he brings a lawsuit.”

And behind the door proceeded this very conversation:

“Leave that manner aside,” said Shchupkin, lighting a match on his checked pants. “I most definitely didn’t write you letters!”

“Oh, sure! As if I don’t know your handwriting!” guffawed the girl, artificially squealing and at the same time taking glances at herself in the mirror. “I knew it right away! And what a strange one you are! A writing teacher, but your handwriting’s like a chicken’s! How can you teach writing if you yourself write so poorly?”

“Hm! … That doesn’t mean anything, miss. In calligraphy the main thing isn’t the handwriting, the main thing is that the students don’t forget. You hit one on the head with a ruler, another one on the knees. … That’s what handwriting is! A simple matter! Nekrasov was a writer, but it’s embarrassing to see how he wrote. In his Collected Works, his handwriting is shown.”

“That’s Nekrasov, but you … (sighs). It would be a pleasure to marry a writer. He’d constantly be writing verses to remember me by!”

“I could write you verses, if you wanted me to.”

“What could you write about?”

“About love … about feelings … about your eyes … You’d read them—you’d go crazy. … Tears would pour out! If I were to write you poetical verses, then would you give me your hand to kiss?”

“Big deal! … You could kiss it right now!”

Shchupkin hopped up and, widening his eyes, fell upon her plump hand, fragrant with egg-soap.

“Snatch the icon!” said Peplov all aflutter, pale with agitation, buttoning up, and nudging his wife with his elbow.

“Let’s go! Go!”

And not hesitating a second, Peplov burst through the door.

“Children …” he muttered, raising his arms and tearfully blinking his eyes. “The Lord blesses you, my children. … Live … be fruitful … multiply …”

“And … and I bless you …” added Mommy, weeping with happiness. “Be happy, dear ones! O, you’re depriving me of my only treasure!” she said turning to Shchupkin. “Love my daughter, be kind to her …”

Shchupkin’s mouth gaped in confusion and fright. The parents’ assault had been so sudden and bold that he could not utter a single word.

“Caught, surrounded!” thought he, faint with fear. “Done for, brother! You’re not escaping this.”

And he humbly bowed his head, as if desiring to say: “Take me, I’m beaten!”

“Ble— I bless …” continued Papa and he also began crying. “Natashenka, my daughter … stand alongside … Petrovna, give me the icon …”

But here the father suddenly stopped crying and his face winced in anger.

“Dummy!” he angrily said to his wife. “You stupid-head! But where’s the icon?”

“Oh, Holy Fathers!”

What happened? The handwriting teacher timidly raised his eyes and saw that he was saved: In confusion Mama had snatched from the wall not the icon but the portrait of the writer Lazhechnikov. Old Peplov and his wife Cleopatra Petrovna, with the portrait in their hands, stood in bewilderment, not knowing what to do or what to say. The handwriting teacher took advantage of the confusion and ran out.


Afterword

Chekhov began the pivotal year of 1886, wherein he became one of the most loved and appreciated Russian writers alive, with a flurry of comic skits and outstanding short stories. This one, published January 11, was originally titled “Сорвалось!” (“Busted!”). Chekhov signed it with his popular and most usual humor magazine pen name, A. Chekhonte. Eventually, in his Collected Works, Chekhov retitled it as “Неудача” (“The Fiasco”), revising the ending so that instead of the parents exclaiming “Всё погибло!” (“All is lost!”) (an obvious Gogolian curtain line), he has the teacher skipping out of the room.

There is a lively, seven-and-a-half-minute video version of the story starring Anna Tambova available on Youtube (embedded below) that carries what I think Chekhov would think is an appropriate tone and energy, a full-blast farce with an impressive soundtrack (“La donne e mobile” from Rigoletto). The director switches up the buffoonery so that it’s the father rather than the mother who botches the blessing by grabbing instead of the icon a still-life of a watermelon. There are other changes, but the basic situation, parents hoping to trap a suitor into becoming a fiance, remains.

– Bob Blaisdell


 

НЕУДАЧА

Илья Сергеич Пеплов и жена его Клеопатра Петровна стояли у двери и жадно подслушивали. За дверью, в маленькой зале, происходило, по-видимому, объяснение в любви; объяснялись их дочь Наташенька и учитель уездного училища Щупкин.

— Клюет! — шептал Пеплов, дрожа от нетерпения и потирая руки. — Смотри же, Петровна, как только заговорят о чувствах, тотчас же снимай со стены образ и идем благословлять... Накроем... Благословение образом свято и ненарушимо... Не отвертится тогда, пусть хоть в суд подает.

А за дверью происходил такой разговор:

— Оставьте ваш характер! — говорил Щупкин, зажигая спичку о свои клетчатые брюки. — Вовсе я не писал вам писем!

— Ну да! Будто я не знаю вашего почерка! — хохотала, девица, манерно взвизгивая и то и дело поглядывая на себя в зеркало. — Я сразу узнала! И какие вы странные! Учитель чистописания, а почерк как у курицы! Как же вы учите писать, если сами плохо пишете?

— Гм!.. Это ничего не значит-с. В чистописании главное не почерк, главное, чтоб ученики не забывались. Кого линейкой по голове ударишь, кого на колени... Да что почерк! Пустое дело! Некрасов писатель был, а совестно глядеть, как он писал. В собрании сочинений показан его почерк.

— То Некрасов, а то вы... (вздох). Я за писателя с удовольствием бы пошла. Он постоянно бы мне стихи на память писал!

— Стихи и я могу написать вам, ежели желаете.

— О чем же вы писать можете?

— О любви... о чувствах... о ваших глазах... Прочтете — очумеете... Слеза прошибет! А ежели я напишу вам поэтические стихи, то дадите тогда ручку поцеловать?

— Велика важность!.. Да хоть сейчас целуйте!

Щупкин вскочил и, выпучив глаза, припал к пухлой, пахнущей яичным мылом, ручке.

Снимай образ! — заторопился Пеплов, толкнув локтем свою жену, бледнея от волнения и застегиваясь. — Идем! Ну!

И, не медля ни секунды, Пеплов распахнул дверь.

— Дети... — забормотал он, воздевая руки и слезливо мигая глазами. — Господь вас благословит, дети мои... Живите... плодитесь... размножайтесь...

— И... и я благословляю... — проговорила мамаша, плача от счастья. — Будьте счастливы, дорогие! О, вы отнимаете у меля единственное сокровище! — обратилась она к Щупкину. — Любите же мою дочь, жалейте ее...

Щупкин разинул рот от изумления и испуга. Приступ родителей был так внезапен и смел, что он не мог выговорить ни одного слова.

«Попался! Окрутили! — подумал он, млея от ужаса. — Крышка теперь тебе, брат! Не выскочишь!»

И он покорно подставил свою голову, как бы желая сказать: «Берите, я побежден!»

— Бла... благословляю... — продолжал папаша и тоже заплакал. — Наташенька, дочь моя... становись рядом... Петровна, давай образ...

Но тут родитель вдруг перестал плакать, и лицо у него перекосило от гнева.

— Тумба! — сердито сказал он жене. — Голова твоя глупая! Да нешто это образ?

— Ах, батюшки-светы!

Что случилось? Учитель чистописания несмело поднял глаза и увидел, что он спасен: мамаша впопыхах сняла со стены вместо образа портрет писателя Лажечникова. Старик Пеплов и его супруга Клеопатра Петровна, с портретом в руках, стояли сконфуженные, не зная, что им делать и что говорить. Учитель чистописания воспользовался смятением и бежал.

 

Like this post? Get a weekly email digest + member-only deals

Some of Our Books

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar is a hilarious and insightful memoir by a diplomat who was “present at the creation” of US-Soviet relations. Charles Thayer headed off to Russia in 1933, calculating that if he could just learn Russian and be on the spot when the US and USSR established relations, he could make himself indispensable and start a career in the foreign service. Remarkably, he pulled it of.
Murder at the Dacha

Murder at the Dacha

Senior Lieutenant Pavel Matyushkin has a problem. Several, actually. Not the least of them is the fact that a powerful Soviet boss has been murdered, and Matyushkin's surly commander has given him an unreasonably short time frame to close the case.
Steppe / Степь

Steppe / Степь

This is the work that made Chekhov, launching his career as a writer and playwright of national and international renown. Retranslated and updated, this new bilingual edition is a super way to improve your Russian.
A Taste of Russia

A Taste of Russia

The definitive modern cookbook on Russian cuisine has been totally updated and redesigned in a 30th Anniversary Edition. Layering superbly researched recipes with informative essays on the dishes' rich historical and cultural context, A Taste of Russia includes over 200 recipes on everything from borshch to blini, from Salmon Coulibiac to Beef Stew with Rum, from Marinated Mushrooms to Walnut-honey Filled Pies. A Taste of Russia shows off the best that Russian cooking has to offer. Full of great quotes from Russian literature about Russian food and designed in a convenient wide format that stays open during use.
Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod is a mid-sized provincial city that exists only in Russian metaphorical space. It has its roots in Gogol, and Ilf and Petrov, and is a place far from Moscow, but close to Russian hearts. It is a place of mystery and normality, of provincial innocence and Black Earth wisdom. Strange, inexplicable things happen in Stargorod. So do good things. And bad things. A lot like life everywhere, one might say. Only with a heavy dose of vodka, longing and mystery.
Marooned in Moscow

Marooned in Moscow

This gripping autobiography plays out against the backdrop of Russia's bloody Civil War, and was one of the first Western eyewitness accounts of life in post-revolutionary Russia. Marooned in Moscow provides a fascinating account of one woman's entry into war-torn Russia in early 1920, first-person impressions of many in the top Soviet leadership, and accounts of the author's increasingly dangerous work as a journalist and spy, to say nothing of her work on behalf of prisoners, her two arrests, and her eventual ten-month-long imprisonment, including in the infamous Lubyanka prison. It is a veritable encyclopedia of life in Russia in the early 1920s.
Survival Russian

Survival Russian

Survival Russian is an intensely practical guide to conversational, colloquial and culture-rich Russian. It uses humor, current events and thematically-driven essays to deepen readers’ understanding of Russian language and culture. This enlarged Second Edition of Survival Russian includes over 90 essays and illuminates over 2000 invaluable Russian phrases and words.

About Us

Russian Life is a publication of a 30-year-young, award-winning publishing house that creates a bimonthly magazine, books, maps, and other products for Russophiles the world over.

Latest Posts

Our Contacts

Russian Life
73 Main Street, Suite 402
Montpelier VT 05602

802-223-4955