February 15, 2017

Spies Like Them


Spies Like Them
Yep, definitely spies.

News is now breaking on a daily basis about questionable ties between Trump World and Kremlindom. As the FBI investigation deepens, we thought it would be useful – a public service, really – to provide a few handy tips, based on our years of experience in the Russian milieu.

Paul Manafort, President Trump’s ousted campaign manager who is being investigated by the FBI (and the CIA, NSA, ODNI and FinCEN), and who has not yet been charged with any crimes, said in Tuesday interview with the New York Times about the Trump campaign’s extensive contacts with Russian intelligence and government officials:

“This is absurd, I have no idea what this is referring to. I have never knowingly spoken to Russian intelligence officers, and I have never been involved with anything to do with the Russian government or the Putin administration or any other issues under investigation today... It’s not like these people wear badges that say, ‘I’m a Russian intelligence officer.’”

Well, actually they sort of do. You just have to now what the “badges” look like. Here are seven signs that should help.

Seven Habits of Highly Successful Russian Intelligence Officers

  1. The Leather Jacket. No, a Russian Intelligence Officer cannot be immediately recognized by his (or her) bare torso. That’s a Putin/SNL thing. Since the 1920s, the well-groomed male Russian intel operative has had a thing for leather jackets. It’s the crinkly sound it makes when he shuffles his shoulders. Sounds like the skin of your enemies.
  2. The English that is just a bit too good. Your typical Russian operative will try to pass himself off as a Scandinavian, because no American speaks Norwegian or Finnish and cannot ask probing questions about that part of the world. Great cover, right? So, don’t expect the stereotypical Rocky & Bulwinkle accent. But do listen closely to their Vs, which will often sound like Ws, unless the spy was really studious in his linguistic classes. Oh, and Russians also can’t properly say the A in apple. So take your suspected operative out for a drink and get them to ask for a Vodka Appletini. If they say “Wodka Eppelteeny,” it’s time to leave.
  3. The solicitous tone. Years of training in a secret location outside Murmansk on how to wear baseball caps and talk like an American has a way of turning subjects into self-satisfied, overconfident jerks. It’s something they just can’t hide. And while the training up there in the Arctic is definitely superb, there are gaps. Pierce their overconfidence by asking something unexpected, like whether a batter can be struck out on foul balls, or what the difference is between a bogie and an eagle. (Hint: It’s a good idea to know the right answer before you ask.)
  4. They are married and have killer hand-to-hand combat skills. Seriously. Married people are more trusted than solo operators, so obviously that is how the Russians are going to set themselves up in America. Which means that pretty much you should not trust anyone who is married, or who says they are married, and especially married couples that run travel agencies. For instruction, watch The Americans. It’s on TV, so obviously it’s true.
  5. The look in their eyes. It’s called a squinch – something between a squint and a glare. Steely gazes and granite faces are bred into these guys. They are like Secret Service agents, only their visages can stand up to much larger quantities of caviar and vodka.
  6. The fact that they are into you. If a beautiful Moscow University graduate takes an interest in you and you are a paunchy, middle-aged guy with a security clearance, you should probably be suspicious.
  7. The fact that their phones are bugged. Yeah, so if you hear a funny click on the line when you are chatting by phone, that’s sort of a tell. But then everyone knows that, right? Well, except certain NSC appointees.

Like this sort of spy stuff? Then you’ll love our Chtenia issue: Spies and Imposters, as well our our three-novel series, The Case Files of Pavel Matyushkin, the most recent of which is Murder and the Muse (the first two were Murder at the Dacha and The Latchkey Murders).


Image: The Americans digital wallpaper

Tags: spiesKGB
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Some of our Books

Fish
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Fish

This mesmerizing novel from one of Russia’s most important modern authors traces the life journey of a selfless Russian everywoman. In the wake of the Soviet breakup, inexorable forces drag Vera across the breadth of the Russian empire. Facing a relentless onslaught of human and social trials, she swims against the current of life, countering adversity and pain with compassion and hope, in many ways personifying Mother Russia’s torment and resilience amid the Soviet disintegration.

At the Circus
January 01, 2013

At the Circus

This wonderful novella by Alexander Kuprin tells the story of the wrestler Arbuzov and his battle against a renowned American wrestler. Rich in detail and characterization, At the Circus brims with excitement and life. You can smell the sawdust in the big top, see the vivid and colorful characters, sense the tension build as Arbuzov readies to face off against the American.

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices
May 01, 2013

Stargorod: A Novel in Many Voices

Stargorod is a mid-sized provincial city that exists only in Russian metaphorical space. It has its roots in Gogol, and Ilf and Petrov, and is a place far from Moscow, but close to Russian hearts. It is a place of mystery and normality, of provincial innocence and Black Earth wisdom. Strange, inexplicable things happen in Stargorod. So do good things. And bad things. A lot like life everywhere, one might say. Only with a heavy dose of vodka, longing and mystery.

Moscow and Muscovites
November 26, 2013

Moscow and Muscovites

Vladimir Gilyarovsky's classic portrait of the Russian capital is one of Russians’ most beloved books. Yet it has never before been translated into English. Until now! It is a spectactular verbal pastiche: conversation, from gutter gibberish to the drawing room; oratory, from illiterates to aristocrats; prose, from boilerplate to Tolstoy; poetry, from earthy humor to Pushkin. 

Murder and the Muse
December 12, 2016

Murder and the Muse

KGB Chief Andropov has tapped Matyushkin to solve a brazen jewel heist from Picasso’s wife at the posh Metropole Hotel. But when the case bleeds over into murder, machinations, and international intrigue, not everyone is eager to see where the clues might lead.

Little Golden Calf
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Little Golden Calf

Our edition of The Little Golden Calf, one of the greatest Russian satires ever, is the first new translation of this classic novel in nearly fifty years. It is also the first unabridged, uncensored English translation ever, and is 100% true to the original 1931 serial publication in the Russian journal 30 Dnei. Anne O. Fisher’s translation is copiously annotated, and includes an introduction by Alexandra Ilf, the daughter of one of the book’s two co-authors.

Bears in the Caviar
May 01, 2015

Bears in the Caviar

Bears in the Caviar is a hilarious and insightful memoir by a diplomat who was “present at the creation” of US-Soviet relations. Charles Thayer headed off to Russia in 1933, calculating that if he could just learn Russian and be on the spot when the US and USSR established relations, he could make himself indispensable and start a career in the foreign service. Remarkably, he pulled it of.

Faith & Humor
December 01, 2011

Faith & Humor

A book that dares to explore the humanity of priests and pilgrims, saints and sinners, Faith & Humor has been both a runaway bestseller in Russia and the focus of heated controversy – as often happens when a thoughtful writer takes on sacred cows. The stories, aphorisms, anecdotes, dialogues and adventures in this volume comprise an encyclopedia of modern Russian Orthodoxy, and thereby of Russian life.

Driving Down Russia's Spine
June 01, 2016

Driving Down Russia's Spine

The story of the epic Spine of Russia trip, intertwining fascinating subject profiles with digressions into historical and cultural themes relevant to understanding modern Russia. 

The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas
October 01, 2013

The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas

This exciting new trilogy by a Russian author – who has been compared to Orhan Pamuk and Umberto Eco – vividly recreates a lost world, yet its passions and characters are entirely relevant to the present day. Full of mystery, memorable characters, and non-stop adventure, The Pet Hawk of the House of Abbas is a must read for lovers of historical fiction and international thrillers.

 

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