The Best Dandruff Cure

If you want to know who will be Russia’s next president, just watch the hair. Or lack thereof.

Throughout the 20th century, Russian leaders with hair and without have alternated: Nicholas II had a good head of hair; Vladimir Lenin was bald; Josef Stalin had thick hair; Nikita Khrushchev was л≈ысый как кол≈енка (bald as a knee); Leonid Brezhnev had густ≈ые в≈олосы (thick hair); Yuri Andropov was balding; Konstantin Chernenko had thick gray hair; Mikhail Gorbachev had a big л≈ысина (bald spot), and Yeltsin had a nice сед≈ая шевел≈юра (gray chevelure); Putin is balding, and so the next Russian leader will have hair by definition. It’s all so simple, this kremlinology...

Hair – в≈олосы – is becoming almost as important to Russians as it is to Americans. We worry about dandruff, though time was (in Stalin’s time) we fought dandruff as per the French proverb: Л≈учшее ср≈едство от п≈ерхоти – гильот≈ина (the guillotine is the best dandruff cure). Actually, there is a similarly dark Russian proverb: сн≈явши г≈олову по волос≈ам не пл≈ачут (when you’ve lost your head, it’s no sense worrying about your hair). It’s all about perspective. 

Russians have long been prejudiced against their bald countrymen – the л≈ысые were the butt of many jokes and funny proverbs. Of someone who is bald or has bad hair, one would say “в≈олос от в≈олоса не слых≈ать и г≈олоса” (“you can’t hear one’s voice from each piece of hair – so rare it is” – here comparison is made to rare trees in a forest, but it is mostly a funny rhyme). And when someone has been unjustly ignored (not invited, not been given something, etc.) this person could retort, “A я что, л≈ысый что ли?!” (“Am I bald or something?” – the equivalent of the English, “What am I, chopped liver?!”). 

Ironically, today the stereotypical bald-shaven New Russian has a positive connotation (at least among younger generations). Yet back in the 1970s, when I was a teenager, we boys all dreamed of having long hair. We fought with our tutors and teachers over the right to нос≈ить дл≈инные в≈олосы (wear our hair long), so that we could try to look like our rock star idols. The older generation denigrated us for our п≈атлы (a pejorative for “long hair”), and long-haired youth were called “патл≈атые” or “волос≈атики.” 

Back then, Dal’s old proverb – previously applied only to women – was used on men with long hair: в≈олос д≈олог да ум к≈ороток (long-haired but short on brains). I even remember how a student from our group was dragged to a парикм≈ахерская (hairdresser) by an officer from the military department, who demanded that the hairdresser подстр≈игла его под Кот≈овского (give him a Kotovsky-style haircut; civil war hero Grigory Kotovsky was completely bald). The hairdresser complied, much to the amusement of my schoolmates. The guy was ready to рвать на себ≈е в≈олосы (tear his hair out) out of despair, but of course there was nothing left to tear...

My son has thick blond hair, but wears a very short haircut (н≈осит кор≈откую причёску). I can’t persuade him to let it grow just a bit longer. How times have changed! Meanwhile, others prefer to wear their hair зачёсанные наз≈ад (combed backwards), or in a classic JFK-style doo with a part: причёска с проб≈ором. A tiny minority of men sport a ponytail or braid (кос≈ичка), for example my daughter’s current boyfriend (thanks to whom у мен≈я в≈олосы вста≈ют д≈ыбом – “my hair stands up” as we say). And, despite my nostalgia for the 1970s, I just can’t get used to it and find myself for some reason thinking of guillotines... But, in the end, I swallow my paternal conservatism, so as not to seem like that military teacher, and because we Russians fought hard for their п≈олная своб≈ода в пл≈ане вол≈ос (complete freedom in matters of hair).

Well, maybe not complete freedom. The arrival of Western consumerism (Gillette, Braun, etc.) means that women here no longer have the “right” to волос≈атые н≈оги (hairy legs) or underarms (волос≈атые подм≈ышки). Эпил≈яция (epilation, hair removal) has reached Russia’s “boundless expanses” (а мы что, лысые что ли?). 

In any event, hair-democracy or no, the tradition of “bald-then-hairy president” seems unlikely to be broken in the coming election. The л≈ысые candidates (Luzhkov, Zyuganov) stand little chance, and the front-runners (Medvedev, Ivanov) have thick heads of hair. Then again, it could be argued that the tradition was broken in 2000: Putin was not so thin on top when he took office eight years ago as he is today. Such is the toll of leadership. And of fatherhood. Frankly, I had a bit more hair on top before my daughter started bringing home guys with a кос≈ичка...