Rebooting Conversations

In the old days, people had discussions. People had opinions and facts. Sometimes people disagreed with one another’s opinions or quibbled over facts. But there were certain shared assumptions that made talking possible.

That is no longer true. Today people don’t share the same opinions, beliefs, facts or even accept the same laws of nature. This seems to be true everywhere, but it is particularly true in Russia. When I first began to have awkward conversations, I tried not responding at all, but that is rude. You have to say something. So, over the last few years I’ve developed a strange little repertoire of comments to get me through these uncomfortable interactions.

First of all, you need to find out if the person is kidding. Ask: Вы шутите? (Are you making a joke?), or Это – шутка? (Is that a joke?), or perhaps Вы — серьёзно? (Are you serious?). When asking, try to not to let your intonation rise dramatically at the end of the phrase. If you do, it will be clear you’re really saying: Ты с ума сошёл? (Are you nuts?) or Ты идиот, что ли? (Are you an idiot?)

In a surprising number of cases, they’re not joking. Your taxi driver/co-worker/neighbor really believes that the bad weather in Moscow is being caused by a radar station in Alaska. In the interests of peace and harmony — or to get to your destination safe and sound — you can try to avoid further discussion. If you are feeling generous, you might admit that anything is possible: Всякое бывает. (You never know.), or Ну, мало ли что. (Anything can happen.).

If you’re feeling less generous but want to keep the tone relatively pleasant, you might say: не слышал (I hadn’t heard that); маловероятно (doesn’t seem likely); вряд ли (doubtful); не думаю (I don’t think so).

When you start to get impatient, try something like: Ну и ну! (Well, how about that?), or Ничего себе! (My Gosh!), or Да что вы! (You don’t say!). The great benefit of these phrases is that the other person can think that you are sharing his displeasure over radar-based climate change: Ничего себе! Какие гады! (My Gosh! What monsters!). But you are actually thinking: Ничего себе! Он — образованный человек и верит в откровенную чушь! (My Gosh! He’s an educated person and he believes in this complete nonsense!).

Another technique is to try to change the subject. I often start off with a reference to family traditions: Мой отец всегда говорил: лучше не обсуждать политику и религию. (My father always used to say — don’t discuss politics or religion.) If that doesn’t work, I move on to: Давайте не об этом. (Let’s talk about something else.) Это сложный разговор. (That’s a complicated subject.), or Есть разные мнения по этому поводу. (There are many opinions about that.).

At some point the other person will say: Вы – американец! Скажите честно! (You’re an American! Tell the truth!). This is a trap. He doesn’t want your honest answer. He wants you to admit that the U.S. recruited Mikhail Gorbachev to destroy the Soviet Union. Once I replied: Нет, не могу. (No, I can’t.) And the response was: Понял. Признаться не можете (Got it. You can’t admit it) — as if I were following orders.

So now I say: Мне очень хотелось бы посидеть с вами и всё это подробно обсудить, но сегодня — нет времени. Давайте в другой раз! (I’d love to sit down with you and discuss all this in detail, but there’s no time today. Let’s do it another time.)

It’s not true, but it keeps the peace. Спасибо за это. (Thanks for that.)