Marital Squabbles

Any couple has the occasional marital squabble (семейная ссора). Russian spouses are no exception.

For happy couples who live as one soul (живут душа в душу), rare quarrels are a way to spice up their otherwise cloudless, conjugal life. As the proverb has it, милые бранятся только тешатся (lovers quarrel just for fun). For couples who, as they say in the U.S., “routinely communicate through a sharp word and a slammed door,” squabbles are a daily routine (ссоры стали обычным делом). Americans may find what follows just a fun read, but for those who have tied the knot (связали себя семейными узами с) with a Russian spouse, this column should be of particular interest.

Anything can spark a family quarrel. Here are a couple of classic situations resulting in wife-to-husband dialogues which every Russian has heard a thousand times – either live or in a movie or play.

A husband arrives home late. Wife: “Ты где шлялся?” (“Where have been gadding about?”) Husband: “На работе засиделся.” (“I was stuck at work.”) Wife: “А почему от тебя женскими духами пахнет?” (“So why do you smell like women’s perfume?”)

Driven into a corner, the husband admits он ходит налево (literally, “he is going left/wrong” i.e. is unfaithful), but then counterattacks: “А ты когда на себя последний раз в зеркало смотрела?” (“And when was the last time you looked at yourself in a mirror?”) At this juncture, the wife burst into tears and says, “Я на тебя всю жизнь пахала, посмотри в кого я превратилась!” (“I’ve been working for you like a bull all my life, now look at what I’ve become!”)

Sniffing and choking, the wife turns her back on the man and sadly concludes: “И с этим человеком я прожила 20 лет.” (“And this is the man I’ve lived with for 20 years.”) The husband slinks out of the house, saying he will spend the night at his mom’s. (“Я у мамы переночую.”)

Scenario #2. The late husband has nothing to hide, and is insulted by his wife’s implication. Husband: “Кто в доме хозяин?” (“Who’s the master of this house?”) Wife retorts: “Какой ты, к чёрту, хозяин! Ты даже гвоздя вбить не можешь. Уже второй месяц в ванной кран течёт, а ты не можешь починить. У нас в доме есть мужик или нет?”(“A helluva master you are! You can’t even drive a nail. The bathroom faucet has been leaking for two months and you can’t fix it. Is there a man in this house, or what?”)

Slightly ashamed, the husband beats a retreat and timidly replies: “Я всю зарплату приношу домой до копейки – вызови слесаря, заплати ему, пусть починит кран.” (“I bring home every last kopek of my paycheck. So call the plumber, pay him and let him fix the faucet.”)

The wife sees a new opening and delivers her coup de grace: “И это ты называешь зарплатой?!” (“You call that a salary?!”) And then she finishes him off with the classic low blow delivered by countless Russian women: “Ты не мужик, ты тряпка.” (“You’re not a man, but a rag.”)

The husband, crushed, follows her down the low road: “Вы мне всю жизнь испортили – ты и твоя мамаша.” (“You spoiled my whole life, you and that mother of yours.”)

Of course, the insertion of a тёща (wife’s mother) into a family spat is ill advised. Given the course of this exchange, the husband may hear his former belle declaim, “Развод и девичья фамилия!” (“Divorce and a return to my maiden name!”) So clichéd is this phrase, it has become an idiom. Men even use it as a humorous jab at friends.

One could argue that these situations are Russian specific, squabbles are different in an American family (e.g., an American wife might take offense if her husband gave her a meat mincing machine, while a Russian wife would appreciate it.)

But does that really matter? A quarrel – especially recurrent quarrels – разрушают брак (ruin a marriage), no matter the reason. For, as Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina, все счастливые семьи похожи друг на друга, каждая несчастливая семья несчастлива по-своему (Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way).