Of Tickets, Hares and Dozing Fathers

За двумя зайцами погонишься, ни одного не поймаешь.
If you run after two hares you will catch neither.
⎯ Russian proverb

When Moscow hosted the 1980 Olympic Games, a trip on the city transportation network was simple for foreign tourists: there were no crowds (all non-Muscovites had to leave the city), and the names of metro stations were even announced in English at each stop. Granted, Russia’s invasion of Afghanistan (and the resultant boycott by Western nations) put a damper on visitor turnout, but those who made the trip must still remember how comforting it was to hear the words “Next stop: Polyezhayevskaya” in a familiar tongue.

The Olympics are history. So are those temporary linguistic concessions. As a visitor, you’re on your own on Russian public transport, so a user-friendly transport vocabulary will come in handy. Of course, you can always use your hands – or better still your elbows – to communicate. But you will have a much smoother ride with a few choice expressions at your disposal – useful to counter that over-aggressive babushka stabbing you in the ribs with her umbrella.

It may be that you are not resp-onding to her “дайте пройти” (“let me pass”) or “уступите место” (“give up your seat”). If she is pushing too hard, however, you can always respond with “не толкайтесь” or “не пихайтесь” (“stop shoving”).

If a babushka does make it clear that she wants your seat, you’d better give it up, or you may wind up in an altercation with indignant fellow passengers. The Russian film comedy Mission Ы and Other Adventures of Shurik affords a classic parody of metro seating protocol:

“Молодой человек, как Вам не стыдно, уступите место женщине – она готовится стать матерью,” says a babushka pointing toward a pregnant woman. (“Young man, shame on you, give up your seat to the lady. She’s soon to be a mother”).

“А я готовлюсь стать отцом.” (“Yeah, well, I’m going to be a father soon.”), the 40-something thug snaps back before falling back to sleep in his seat.

Of course, if you want to enjoy the show, you have to purchase your ticket. When you’re buying a metro token (жетон), a simple пожалуйста (please), plus the number of tokens you want will be enough to make you understood.

Above-ground transport is a little more complicated. Ticket booklets used for trolleys, trams, and buses are called an абонентная книжечка. If on a crowded bus someone taps you on the shoulder and passes you some money, it’s not because they think you look needy. He/she wants you to pass it on to the driver, who also acts as ticket seller. The key phrase here is, “Передайте, пожалуйста, на книжечку” (“Pass it on please, it’s for tickets”). If you forget to buy your ticket, the driver might remind you by announcing, “Своевременно и правильно оплачивайте проезд” (“Buy your tickets correctly and in good time”).

Someone traveling without a ticket is called a безбилетник (ticketless person) by transport officials, and a заяц (hare) by everyone else. The origin of this colloquial term is shrouded in mystery, but it probably refers to the nervous demeanor of those who ездят зайцем (ride like hares), ready to flee the undercover контролёр (controller) at any moment, lest they be forced to pay the штраф (fine).

The Russian for “tickets, please” is предъявите Ваш билет. If you don’t have one, and aren’t ready to cough up a fine on the spot, the controller may say “Пройдёмте в милицию.” (“Let’s go to the police station”). He means it, and you’ll have to get off with him at the next stop.

Getting off of a metro, trolley, bus, or tram car can sometimes be trickier than getting on. If your way is blocked by a dozen women with heavy bags, you should ask them: “Вы выходите / сходите на следующей?” (“Are you getting off at the next stop?”).

If your obstructers are getting off, you can go with the flow. If not, and the bus is crowded, you should suggest switching places: “Давайте с Вами поменяемся” and start moving toward the exit. The more polite ones will offer to let you through with the words “Я Вас выпущу” (“I’ll let you out.”)

Here are some other situational phrases to remember:

If you see an empty train approaching the platform and nobody gets on, you are likely to hear: “На поезд посадки нет.” (“This train is not taking passengers”). On the other hand, if your train stops and everybody suddenly clears out, the conductor may be announcing: “Поезд дальше не идёт, просьба освободить вагоны.” (“This train goes no further, please exit the cars.”) In this case you will have to get off and wait for the next train.

Recently, metro passengers have been hearing a new announcement as their train pulls into each station: “Уважаемые пассажиры, не забывайте свой вещи.” (“Respected passengers, don’t forget your belongings.”) This started soon after the war in Chechnya began.

If you do happen to forget something and want to get it back, you should contact the “Бюро находок” (literally: Office of Found Items). But in today’s less disciplined environment, “finders keepers” (кто-то теряет, кто-то находит) is more the rule. So keep a close eye on your valuables, and Russian public transport will be an adventure, not a disaster.

Update: Needless to say, the Moscow metro no longer uses жетоны and you don’t buy an абонентная книжечка to ride buses. Things are in the process of modernization (with magnetic code swipe cards, etc.), yet these linguistic relics are still inbued with enough meaning that they bear learning and understanding.