Unless you are in the miniscule percentage of the world population that finds it easy to say “no,” the sight of a pushy neighbor, in-law, or boss bearing down on you with a request-you-can’t-refuse is right up there alongside a root canal in the dread department.
And if it’s hard to gracefully say “no” in English, how much harder is it in Russian, where dissembling requires linguistic gifts that you might not have yet developed? Sometimes it is, in the words of a wise, if resigned, friend, “литься, чем объяснить, почему ты не можешь” (It’s easier to agree than explain why you can’t).
But the basics of the art of what Russians call вежливый отказ (polite refusal) are not hard to master. Here is your guide to no, said nicely.
First of all, express gratitude for whatever invitation, job offer, or work task is being foisted on you: Спасибо за приглашение… (Thank you for the invitation…); благодарю за предложение… (I’m grateful for the offer…); мне приятно, что вы подумали обо мне…(How nice that you thought of me…); как лестно, что вы пригласили меня выступать… (I’m flattered that you asked me to speak…); я тронут, что вы вспомнили меня (I’m touched that you remembered me…).
Put in the key word: НО (BUT).
Express regret: к сожалению (unfortunately); извините (I’m sorry); увы (alas); очень жаль (I’m very sorry). Here is a wonderful opportunity to practice using the subjective: Мне хотелось бы (I would have loved to…); С радостью я приняла бы ваше предложение (I’d have been delighted to accept your offer…).
Explain why. In most cases, it’s because you have other commitments: В этот день я уже занята (I’m already busy that day); Меня не будет (I won’t be here); Я буду в командировке (I’ll be on a business trip); У меня уже назначена важная деловая встреча (I’ve already agreed to an important business meeting); Я давно согласилась на… (I long ago agreed to…). Another school of thought says to keep it short: Мне неудобно (That’s not convenient for me); я не смогу (I can’t); не получится (it’s not possible); нет времени (I don’t have time); вынужден отказаться (I must decline).
If you want, you can soften the no with compromise: Если смогу, зайду на минутку (If I can, I’ll stop in for a minute); Я постараюсь выкроить время, но не обещаю (I’ll try to carve out some time, but I can’t promise); Если я освобожусь раньше, я дам знать (If I get out earlier, I’ll let you know); Если мои планы меняются, я обязательно свяжусь с вами (If my plans change, I’ll be sure to get in touch).
There is, however, one sphere when compromise and a tactful refusal don’t work: за столом (at the table). You might think that чуть-чуть (just a bit) would be the perfect compromise when the host or hostess wants to give you more and you have already loosened your belt. In fact, at the table the phrase чуть-чуть has two diametrically opposed meanings. To the guest saying it, filled to bursting with food and drink, чуть-чуть means “the tiniest bit.” When offered добавки (seconds), the guest says: “Ох! Не могу! Наелся! Ну ладно. Но только чуть-чуть.” (“Oh, I can’t! I’m full! Well, all right. But just a little bit. ”) And then the host or hostess says, “Чуть-чуть” (Just a smidgeon) and starts piling a mountain of салат Оливье (Olivier salad) on your plate or pours a tumbler-full of vodka into your glass.
So how do you turn them down? To be honest: you can’t. Start your diet tomorrow.
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