Dark Materials

«Вы знаете, что биологический материал собирается по всей стране? Причем по разным этносам и людям, проживающим в разных географических точках Российской Федерации. Вот вопрос — вот это зачем делают? Делают целенаправленно и профессионально. Мы такой вот объект очень большого интереса».

“Did you know that biological material is being collected all across the country? And across various ethnic groups and geographically diverse areas of the Russian Federation? The question is, why are they doing it? They are doing it very purposefully and professionally. We are a subject of great interest.”

– Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin caused confusion and surprise when he suddenly declared that unknown forces were gathering “biological material” in Russia. The remark inspired both conspiracy theories and jokes, yet it also may lead to actual legislation, for example restricting Russians from purchasing genetic testing services, something that has become popular of late.

A baffled media turned to assorted experts, some of whom offered up wild conspiracy theories.

«США пытаются разработать различные виды биологического оружия именно под конкретных носителей генофонда, а европеоиды нужны, так как они составляют большинство населения нашей страны. Это та самая фокус-группа, к которой они пытаются подобрать ключи. Необходимо, чтобы вирусы действовали избирательно — на те или иные национальные группы».

“The US is trying to develop various biological weapons to be used against the carriers of specific genes, and they need Europeoids, as they make up the majority of our country’s population. They are trying to find the key to this particular focus group. The viruses have to work selectively, against particular ethnic groups.”

– “Expert” Igor Nikulin (RT)

Meanwhile, some scientists were appalled at warmongering talk about genetic warfare.

«Про генетическое оружие — это какая-то омерзительная ложь. Такого оружия не бывает. Люди слишком похожи друг на друга, чтобы можно было создать специфическое оружие против какой-то расы».

“As regards genetic weapons – that is a disgusting lie. There are no such weapons. People are too much alike to create a specific weapon targeting just one race.”

– Biologist Mikhail Gelfand (Novaya Gazeta)

Then it turned out that, yes, in fact the US Pentagon was collecting biological samples in Russia – RNA and sinovial fluid (which lubricates joints), to be exact – for research on the human ambulatory system. US Air Education and Training Command spokesman, Captain Beau Downey, said that the 59th medical group’s molecular research center is currently conducting “locomotor studies to identify various biomarkers associated with trauma. Since the supplier originally provided samples from Russia, suitable for the initial group of diseases, the control group of the samples should also be of Russian origin… The goal is the integrity of the study, not the origin [of the samples].”

And then it swerved over into comedy.

“We’ll never be able to improve our already great relations if you secretly gather our biological materials. Couldn’t you just ask? How could we ever refuse, especially in Russia, the motherland of biological materials! We build our roads with biological materials, our stadiums, we write some of our songs with them! We can give you a pipeline for biological materials, you can research them all you want!”

– Comedian Ivan Urgant on his show Evening Urgant